blog.saltpublishing.com

Albert

Dear Albie

Thanks for yours. Sounds bleaker than a night with Godly ?Happy? Hill. Does The Gob really imagine that more moolah can be mangled out of it all? I mean two and a half million quid a year can?t be bloody bad, I know I must account for ?1.5 million of that turnover, despite my [...]

Albert D Sump

To: Albert D Sump
From: Donald Trask
Re: Poetry Audit 2006

After last month?s Publishing Development Meeting it has become apparent that margins and sales have slipped further from 2002?s performance. I?m concerned that the poetry list isn?t making any real contribution to our overall profits and I?d like to initiate a review with you [...]

Albert D Sump

Dear ???? Sump,

My name is Clifford Guy Wislowski and with over 35 years? experience in corporate bookselling I?m writing to you now to improve your business forever. I have one simple message: I want to make you and your authors obscenely rich.

Let me introduce you to IndolentBooks.com? ? a new way to [...]

Pig Farming

Dear Mr Sump,

Re: your QUALC funding application for Ghost Bullion: Mining Towns Since Thatcher: An Anthology of New Sub-Social Poetry, edited by Barry Swabb.

I?m writing to draw attention to our new regional, local and international strategy paper ?Ending Up with Lincolnshire Art? this has pointed towards a new joined up strategy for ?needs-based [...]

Albert

Dear Albert,

I?ve looked at the proofs again, these STILL aren?t right, my poems are still all misspelt. I really must say I don?t think it?s my responsibility to check the spellings, don?t you bother reading stuff at Castell & Castell ? I read everything for The Snood Review. Please correct them this time AND READ [...]

Albert

Beloved Albert,

I shall be reading at Crowborough Library in a newly-commissioned piece called ?The Garden Chronicles?, I am accompanied by Jay May and Pauline Henchley-Murton on mandolin and Javanese flute. Do please consider coming along and giving us your beautiful and kind support, it will be a magical evening! Our dearest Bernice at ACE South [...]

Albert

Dear Oberleutnant Sump,

I don’t know what you mean precisely by ‘cannot publish you’, I was instructing you to publish me, you oaf. Who the fuck do you think you are? Just because you’ve had one crappy book out with Drone Press and that cowboy runt, Rogers. Could it be that you misunderstood my note, you [...]

Albert

Sir!

I just don?t get it with these fleas and maggots in the festivals, they just don?t recognise serious art, they just ignore me all the time, Albie. Even Sedgeley turned me down last week saying I wasn?t quite their thing; I?ve read with C.K. Williams. I?ve read with Doty. I knew fucking Brodsky. What is [...]

Albert

Hey Man,

You think you?re smart. I?m gonna cut you up, Bud. I?ll spread this everywhere you jackass. You don?t know nothing. You publish shit. I think I?ll die of boredom. I think everyone in Canada would love to know about you. You don?t understand nothing. You fake. You?re just fake, a total fake. Faker. Fake [...]

Albert

Dear Albie,

Thanks for yours. I had to suffer another squad of dullards at Maniac More, a week of rain and midges between bouts of mutton stew. It pissed down so much I got mould, especially from having to smoke outside. Everyone seems to have the physical appearance of a skip up here. Thank god Duncan [...]